By: Managing Attorney and Principal Sarah Bennett (SLN)
A recent celebrity custody dispute involving Rumer Willis and her ex-boyfriend, Derek Richard Thomas, raised a question that comes up more often than many parents expect: how specific can a custody order be about what happens inside a parent’s home during that parent’s custodial time?
According to media reports, a California court recently entered an interim custody order involving the former couple’s three-year-old daughter, Louetta. The order reportedly awarded Willis primary physical custody, gave the parents joint legal custody, required co-parenting counseling and use of a co-parenting communication platform, and included specific child-safety and privacy-related provisions. Among the more widely reported details: Thomas was directed not to bathe unclothed with the child, and both parents were reportedly ordered not to post unclothed or partially clothed images of the child online.
This dispute raises a question North Carolina parents often ask in different forms: During my custodial time, don’t I get to decide how I parent my child? The answer is generally yes… but not without limits.
Parents Have Broad Authority During Their Own Parenting Time
In North Carolina, physical custody terms govern each parent’s time with the child and their responsibility for the child during that time. Parents have a constitutionally protected interest in the care, custody, and control of their children. Accordingly, in ordinary circumstances, a parent is given the sole discretion to make routine, day-to-day parenting decisions while the child is their own care. That can include decisions about meals, bedtime, homework, bathing routines, clothing, screen time, discipline, transportation, childcare, extracurricular activities, family traditions, and who else may help care for the child.
In most cases, the court will not interfere with or micromanage ordinary parenting decisions simply because the other parent disagrees. A judge is not likely to referee every difference in parenting style, household preference, or family routine. Parents do not have to parent identically. One home may be stricter while one may be more relaxed. One parent may allow more screen time. One may have a different bedtime. One may rely more on grandparents, stepparents, babysitters, or other trusted adults. Differing parenting styles, standing alone, does not usually justify court intervention.
The Best Interests of the Child Standard
Under N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-13.2, a custody order must include terms that best promote the interest and welfare of the child. That gives the court broad authority to consider the child’s safety, stability, emotional needs, developmental stage, privacy, health, and overall welfare. Parents often disagree about how the other parent runs their household. Common complaints include:
- “He lets the child stay up too late.”
- “She lets the child eat too much junk food.”
- “He lets his girlfriend pick the kids up from school.”
- “She posts too much about the child online.”
- “He lets the child sleep in his bed.”
- “She lets her parents make too many decisions.”
- “He does not have the kids do chores.”
Some of those concerns may be frustrating or reflect real differences in judgment. But if a parenting practice creates a safety concern, emotional harm, inappropriate exposure, boundary issue, or other concern affecting the child’s welfare, the court may consider whether a specific restriction is appropriate. For example, a general disagreement about bathtime routines may not be enough. But concerns involving age-appropriate privacy, nudity, sexual boundaries, a child’s discomfort, unsafe supervision, or repeated refusal to respect the child’s developmental needs may be treated differently.
That is the important distinction: the court is generally not there to decide which parent’s style is “better.” The court is there to protect the child’s best interests.
Can a Judge Order Specific Parenting Rules?
North Carolina judges can include specific provisions in custody orders when those provisions are tied to the child’s best interests. Depending on the facts, a custody order might address things like:
- Safe transportation;
- Substance use during parenting time;
- Firearms or other safety concerns;
- Sleeping arrangements;
- Supervision by certain adults;
- Medical care;
- Therapy or counseling;
- School attendance;
- Communication between the parents;
- Social media boundaries;
- Exchanges and transportation;
- Exposure to inappropriate conduct; or
- Privacy rules for bathing, dressing, or sleeping.
However, the more personal or intrusive the restriction, the more important it is to have a clear child-focused reason for it. A court is much more likely to consider a narrow, specific provision when there is actual evidence supporting the concern. A court is less likely to impose broad restrictions based only on discomfort, speculation, embarrassment, general fear that something bad could happen, or one parent’s preference.
Consent Orders May Go Further Than a Judge Would After Trial
Even if a judge might not order a particular parenting rule after a contested hearing, parents can agree to include detailed parenting provisions in a Consent Order. Parents may agree to rules that give both households clarity and reduce future conflict, such as:
- Each parent will provide the child with an age-appropriate sleeping space;
- Romantic partners will not participate in bathing, dressing, or overnight routines for a certain period of time;
- Parents will use a co-parenting app for communication;
- Parents will attend co-parenting counseling;
- Each parent will notify the other if someone else will provide overnight care;
- Certain adults will not be left alone with the child; or
- Neither parent will post photos of the child on social media.
These provisions may be especially useful when the parents agree that an issue is sensitive, even if they disagree about who is “right.” The world is your oyster in a Consent Order, so long as both parents agree. But careful drafting matters and parenting provisions should be specific, enforceable, and tied to the child.
What If There Is Already a Custody Order?
If a parent wants to change an existing North Carolina custody order, N.C. Gen. Stat. § 50-13.7 requires a party to demonstrate that there has been a substantial change in circumstances affecting the welfare of the child. In other words, a parent generally needs more than: “I do not like how the other parent does this.” The stronger argument is: “What the other parent is doing has affected the child in this specific way.”
For example:
- The child is fearful or uncomfortable;
- The child is unsafe;
- The child’s emotional health is affected;
- The other parent is disregarding medical, therapeutic, or developmental needs and a child is regressing;
- The conduct has created conflict or instability for the child.
Evidence matters to prove the impact of the changed circumstance. Text messages, photos, school records, therapist recommendations, medical records, witness testimony, and the child’s age and developmental stage may all be relevant depending on the issue.
Practical Takeaways for North Carolina Parents
A parent does have broad authority to raise their child during custodial time. But that authority exists within the framework of the child’s best interests.
Before asking a court to restrict the other parent’s conduct, consider:
- Is this truly about the child, or is it about my discomfort with the other parent’s style?
- Can I explain how this affects the child’s safety, privacy, emotional health, or welfare?
- Is the restriction I want narrow and practical?
- Would this rule be enforceable?
- Would I be willing to follow the same rule in my own home?
The best custody provisions are not designed to control the other parent. They are designed to protect the child, reduce conflict, and give both parents clear expectations.
